The Medium Who Could

Scene:  Saturday morning.  The kitchen nook.  A is listening to an audio-recording of "The Little Engine That Could."

Book: "...Our engine has broken down and we're loaded with toys for children on the other side."

A: "The children are dead?"

J:  (Suffering from dead pirate fatigue):  "Augh.  The children are not dead."

A:  "The other side?"

J:  "It's not that Other Side."  (Thinking this is probably his fault for exposing The Child to the Fantasy Genre.)

Book:  "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."

NOVA Pays Off..

Scene:  Post-NOVA watching, pre-teeth-brushing snack time.  The anthropologist has annoyed the United States mason by making the mason and a gang of Egyptian stone masons construct a small pyramid using only mud ramps and stick levers.

A (finishing his snack): What are you going to read to me tonight?

J (walking near the bookshelf): I don't know... (various inappropriate titles flash through his mind) maybe...

A:  "Butt-cracks of the Ancient Past!"

J: (turning and failing to keep a straight face) Um...

A:  (laughing too hard to use a serious-dramatic documentary voice) "Butt-cracks of the Ancient Past!"

J: (like a laughing Centurion from Life of Brian):  N-no.

Scene:  Morning in the home.  We're preparing for a performance.

J (singing):  "You'll be fine, you'll be great, -um- that shining star I talk about is . . . ah"
A:  "Fake!"
J: "Fake? (clutches heart)
M: "You're one smart cookie."

Blindsided Again....

Scene:  The living room.  Late afternoon.  A and J are sitting on the couch reading a thank you card.

A:  "...Thank you and warm witches."

J:  "Heh.  (imagines witches in scarves warming their hands over the cauldron)  Actually, bud, that's 'warm wishes.'  But warm witches is pretty funny. (continues imagining warm witches ala Gary Larson and Sandra Boyton.)  How do you think we could keep witches warm?"

A: (channelling his inner Jacob & Wilhem Grimm)  "Put them in an oven?"

J:  "Uh, that's not quite what I was thinking."

With Some Decorations Bought at Tiffany's!

Scene:  Monday morning, J is dressing for work in the bedroom. M (designated baby-sitter) and A (off from school) are looking at Christmas ornaments in boxes in the living room.  A reaches for a bright blue chain of glass beads.

M: "Now A, we don't wear Christmas ornaments."

J (snorting as he reaches for a shirt)

A:  "But J wore these last year!"

(J bursts out in laughter)

The Fire Temple

Scene:  The living room after school.  A has built a structure out of blocks.

A:  "J, J: do you want to see my Fire Temple?"

J (looks at the tower of blocks with a square curtain wall):  "Oh, what do they worship at the Fire Temple?"

A (gives J a sideways dog tilted look):  "They don't worship anything in the Fire Temple."

J:  "They don't worship fire?  What do they do in the Fire Temple?"

A:  "It's where all the Ninjas meet to plan their attacks."

J:  "Oh. Bud, that's called a dojo."

A:  "But J, It's a Fire. Temple."

J (channeling his Andrew Lloyd Webber):  "Aah Temple should be house of prayer."

A (Sighing, goes back to blocks).

Oh The Horror !

Scene: The Living Room. We join a discussion about first-grade romance in progress.

A: "...Well, I don't really want to marry her. I just sort of want her to be my girlfriend. You know, sort of half-girl, half-friend."

Words of Dread

Scene: The house. J is running around doing pre-dinner house cleaning. A is doing the post-Library hand washing.

A (from the bathroom): "J! J! Come look! I made a fountain!"

J (rushing toward bathroom): "A, 'I made a fountain' are four words a child can utter that will fill a parent's heart with dread."

Now It's a Gun Range / But Not for Lola

Scene: Early morning. J is taking his ablutions ...

J (from behind shower curtain):  "... but Rico went a bit too far / Tony sailed across the bar / and then the punches flew / and chairs were smashed in two / there was blood and a single gunshot / but just --"

A (from another room, and whose face has probably lit up):  "J! There were gunshots?!  Did they have crossbows?"

Mother's Day Weekend Discussion

Scene: The Dinner Nook, Between-Cartoon Honey-Tea Time (to soothe sore throat).  We join A's anticipation of J's post-mortem estate (with M's pre-post-mortem medical expenses debunking) in progress ...

J:  "... oh no.  When I die, they'll put me in a glass coffin and --"

M: "Not 'they', A, you."

J: "Oh, right; You'll put my body on display in a glass coffin and then you'll attach the corners to a dirigible and parade it around through the streets.  And then a big wind will come up ... (J raises his head, hands and voice) and carry my body...  into... the sky..."

M:  "Until it lands in someone's back yard the next day."

A: "No. J! J!  When you die, first I'll take your body and I'll dip it in tar..."

J:  !!!

A: "... and I'll tie it up with ropes to keep it from falling apart, and I'll hang it by the river..."

M (not-so-secretly laughing behind The Child's back)

A:  "and then afterwards, I'll put it into a small coffin --"

M:  "A small coffin."

A:  "... and I'll throw it into the ocean.  And I'll let the fish come and take little nibbles from it.  And they'll live in your mouth."

J (leaning in over the table and speaking in a low, intent voice):  "Full fathom five thy father lies / of his bones are corals made / (increasing the volume) those are pearls, that were his eyes. /  Nothing of him doth remain / but that suffers a sea change / into something rich and strange!"

A (by this time retreating and putting his hands over his ears):  "Why are you being weird?"

J:  "You just told me you were going to put my body into a small coffin and let fish nibble my body and live in my mouth -- "

A:  "And your eyes (sticks fingers into his nose).  And your -- "

J:  "Of course I'm going to quote Shakespeare at you!"

A:  "J! J!  And your nose!"

M (from another room):  "Wile E Coyote Time!"

There Are Some Things Dad Is Not Meant to Know....

Scene: After-school pick-up.

A (walking with J toward car): "J, I want a science lab in my room."

J (imagining gyroscopes, air tracks, and other Newtonian devices): "Oh, what kind of science do you want to study?"

A: "Evil Science!"

J (slowly): "Oh. Um, what exactly do you want to do in this lab?"

A: "Well, you see, I want to grow Evil Dragons that will Obey My Every Command."

J: (Wondering if someone has been sneaking a copy of Dragonsdawn out of the library) "Ah; you want to study biology, then."

Oh, Barracuda!

Scene: The Living Room. We enter a discussion of the proper use of harpoons already in progress...

M: "...You can study live fish... Once I went scuba diving and I went down and looked at the fish and they looked back at me. And I saw a barracuda."

J: "I thought barracuda were mean."

M: "Oh, I was looking at the barracuda and it was looking at me (makes mean calculating face) and it was thinking, 'If you were a little smaller....'

J: (Plays air-guitar and sings a riff) "Ooooh, Won't you, barracuda!" (Continues a one-man air-band show)

A: "Ugh. (rolls eyes) You're being silly."

J: "No; it's a song by Heart. I'm having fun." (exits to bedroom)

A: (From living room) "There's no such thing as a heart song about barracudas."

M: (Bringing A into bedroom) "A, you're being rude to J, because there really is a song." (Fires up computer) "And this sort of thing is what the internet is good for." (Goes to YouTube)



M: (As a caption comes on and reads "Heart / Barracuda") "So A, I want you to turn to J and say, 'I'm sorry. You were right, J. I learned something today.'"

A: (grunts) "This music is too loud."

The Rum-Tum-Tugger...

Someone has been listening to Cats. A lot. He's now singing in his room, "If you give to me a sword, I would rather have a gun; if you give me a gun, then I only want a sword..."

Oh, how I long for the days of Henry Higgins and My Fair Lady.

And The Award Goes To...

Scene: the car driving to pick up M. J has been interrogating A about the day's school events.

A (from the back seat): "J, J; you'll never guess! Elizabeth from the Mayflower came to our class today!"

J (recalling that the class is studying the Mayflower for Thanksgiving): "Oh, that's right, P and D told us about she would be visiting. What did she tell you?"

A: "Her husband fell overboard on the Mayflower and had to pulled up by ropes."

J (dodging traffic): "Oh."

A: "But J, there's something that's not quite right."

J: "What's that?"

A: "Well (pronounced "Weh-ell") how can she be visiting us if she was on the Mayflower? She must have been four hundred years old."

J (impressed and amused at kindergartner math and logic): "Well, I don't think she was four hundred years old. What do you think. (Trying another tactic) How old was she, did look older than Grandma J?"

A: "She looked old!"

J: "Did she look older than (great) grandma A?"

A (considering): "I think she must have been a ghost or a robot."

J: "So, um, bud; when we go to the renaissance faire, and I dress up and we see Queen Elizabeth, we're acting! Right?"

A (slowly): "Yes..."

J: "So Elizabeth was an actress."

A: "But... how did she know all that stuff about the Mayflower?"

Exciting and New...

Scene: The Living Room.

A (rushing in): "Aaargh! I'm a pirate!"

J: "Why are you a pirate?"

A: "Because I'm mean."

J: "Don't be be mean; love."

A (rolling eyes): "Ugh. No. No love!"

J (singing): "...the Love Boat, soon will be making another run ..."

A (holding hands like pistols): "Pshew! pshew! Pirates are shooting the Love Boat!"

J (indignant): "You can't shoot the Love Boat!"

Fashion Lessons

Scene: Saturday Morning. M has found some blankets in the loft and has laundered them. J, folding the blankets has found "The Cow Robe", a sheet of polar fleece with a cow print on it, slit up the middle to make into a kind of poncho.

A (emerges from his room after retreating from the vacuum cleaner, stops, looks at J, turns head sideways): "Why are you wearing that?"

J (sitting down and beckoning A closer; clasps his hands): "Oh. A, there are going to be several times during your life when you come out of your room, I'm going to be wearing something, and you're going to ask, 'Why are you wearing that?'"

A (nodding dubiously): "Uh huh."

J: "And my answer is going to almost always be, 'Because it's fun.'"

M (at the kitchen sink): "And what exactly do you mean by 'fun'?"

Great Moments In Sunday

Scene: Aunt J's house. M & A are home resting and fighting off illness while J is visiting out of town. Grandpa H has just finished his rendition of non-traditional version "Jingle Bells"

J (anticipating hearing (ahem) "Jingle Bells" in excess of a million times): "*Please* don't sing that in front of A."

Grandpa H (grinning evilly): "How much is it worth to ya?"


Later, back at home.... M & A are negotiating an evening of games.

M: "...I'm not going to play violent card games. (Walks away) If you want to play Slap-Jack, you can play it by yourself."

A (lays out a line of cards): (SLAP!) "Ha! I got it! (SLAP!) I win! (SLAP) Mine!..."

Going to School!

The other night was a rough one for A. It involved M getting up and reading a couple of stories to him, and propping him up with blankets and a Really Big Bowl (just in case). At 1:30 AM.

Naturally, A did not spring Wide Awake at 5:45 AM. So we assumed that the next day would be a stay at home day.

Much later than usual (long after M had left), A's bedroom door flung open and out came A.

J: "Good morning. How's your stomach?"

A: (After a second of thought) "Good." (Another pause) "I slept a long time."

J: "Yeah, Bud. You slept so much that M and I think you should stay home from school today."

A: "But I feel fine."

J: (Noticing that school officially starts in less than a half an hour.) "Well, it's awfully late."

A: "No. J! (stomping his foot) I'm not sick!"

J: "Okay, okay; I'll take your temperature..."

He didn't have a temperature.

J: "... I don't know; it's against my better judgement..."

A (proclaiming): "I'm going to school!" (Rushes over to couch and puts on his shoes.

J: "Bud, you're in your pj's; let's get you dressed..."

Is This A Touching Moment, Or Should We Be Disturbed?

Scene: A and J are driving home after a swimming class.

A (from the back seat): "J! I want to have a Abraham Lincoln themed party -- "

J (imagining readings of the Emancipation Proclamation and the Gettysburg Address): "Oh." (Not so secretly pleased that A is voraciously learning about all the American Presidents.)

A (continuing) " -- that way I can be John Wilkes Booth and you can be Abraham Lincoln and I can shoot you in the back of the head!"

J: A! That's just wrong! There's no way we are having that kind of re-enactment at a party (Thankful that we haven't played Stephen Sondheim's Assassins.)


I guess I should expect this sort of thing from someone whose favorite presidents are William Howard Taft and Richard Milhouse Nixon.

High Culture

SCENE ONE: A's room. He's been working on something secret using Tinker Toys. Tinker Toys are on a trail basis, as A) there's a weapons ban going on and B) last time the Tinker Toys were out, there was blood...


A: (easing door open) "OK, J, you can come in."

J: (looking around) "Whatcha working on?"

A: (indicating a collection of Tinker Toys on a small table with a wave of his hand): "Welcome to my museum. On display are some ancient weapons -- "

J: (suppressing a snort at this work-around)

A: "-- from the medieval times. This is an old sword that doesn't work any more. They would have held it like this... (demonstrates sword).

J: (beginning to protest) "Buddy, it's great that -- "

A: "And this is an old Japanese Katana... (demonstrates this sword in a style different from its European counterpart)

J: "Um..."

A: "And this is an ancient flintlock pistol. They would have taken the ammunition out of here (pantomimes using a rod to ram a charge wad and bullet down the pistol bore) and put it in here..."

J: "So, A..."

A: "Do you like my museum?"




SCENE TWO

A and J are having dinner (it is M's night out). The radio is playing the final Liebestod aria from Wagner's "Tristan und Isolde."

J: "...so they've both drunk a magic potion and they're deeply in love with each other, and there's been a fight and he's mortally wounded."

A: "Is he dead?"

J: "Oh no; he's dying from mortal woulds and she's holding him in her arms while she sings about how they'll be Eternally United in the Hereafter." (Mimes singing High Opera at the dinner table and lip syncs with the soprano.)

A: "Oh J; shhh."

The dinner progresses while Isolde sings about "Love Death." The final notes fade away.

A: "J, I... I don't like this song." (Burst into tears)

J: "A, A, what's the matter?"

A by this time has turned read and is still crying.

J: "Are you crying because Tristan is dead?"

A (emphatic nodding)

The Wagner opera comes to and end.