Oh, Barracuda!

Scene: The Living Room. We enter a discussion of the proper use of harpoons already in progress...

M: "...You can study live fish... Once I went scuba diving and I went down and looked at the fish and they looked back at me. And I saw a barracuda."

J: "I thought barracuda were mean."

M: "Oh, I was looking at the barracuda and it was looking at me (makes mean calculating face) and it was thinking, 'If you were a little smaller....'

J: (Plays air-guitar and sings a riff) "Ooooh, Won't you, barracuda!" (Continues a one-man air-band show)

A: "Ugh. (rolls eyes) You're being silly."

J: "No; it's a song by Heart. I'm having fun." (exits to bedroom)

A: (From living room) "There's no such thing as a heart song about barracudas."

M: (Bringing A into bedroom) "A, you're being rude to J, because there really is a song." (Fires up computer) "And this sort of thing is what the internet is good for." (Goes to YouTube)



M: (As a caption comes on and reads "Heart / Barracuda") "So A, I want you to turn to J and say, 'I'm sorry. You were right, J. I learned something today.'"

A: (grunts) "This music is too loud."

The Rum-Tum-Tugger...

Someone has been listening to Cats. A lot. He's now singing in his room, "If you give to me a sword, I would rather have a gun; if you give me a gun, then I only want a sword..."

Oh, how I long for the days of Henry Higgins and My Fair Lady.

80's Music

Scene: A and M are going on an errand. J is listening to Corey Lee sing, "I Will Be the Flame."

M (suddenly reversing course from the front door to the garage): "Oh! I need to get a bag."

A (running to the front door and opening it): "OK! See you at the store!"

J (stepping away from the computer): "No, A; wait for M."

A: "I'm opening the door."

J: "No. Wait; here - dance with me. See; step, step; shoulder, shoulder, roll your shoulder."

M: "Augh! No, you can't teach him that dance!"

A: "Too Late!" (demonstrates a four-year-old version of raised-arm shoulder rolls).

M: "Be sure you tell folks your dad, who likes 80's Music, taught you that dance."

(Scene where J's musical taste is insulted deleted.)

J (thinking to himself): "Gee, I mean, really, The Backyardigans already taught him most of that dance...."

New Web Cam

Well, I Tried.

Scene a forced march to burn off excess energy late morning perambulation through the neighborhood. The fog is burning away, and the sunlight is on its way to being bright.

A (singing at the top of his lungs to a tune which is a hybrid of "Just You Wait Henry Higgins", "Get Me to the Church on Time" and several Christmas carols): "SO YOU'LL BE MEAN / AND I'LL WALLOP YOU / AND THEN I'LL GET A CANNON / AND I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE CHURCH / AND LOCK YOU UP --"

J (singing intently, but softly): "And you'll be really nice, / and I'll play with you, / and we'll share our toys together / and we'll have a great time and --"

A (indignant): "No, no, NO. J! Be quiet! You're messing up my song!"

J: "But I'd like to sing about nice things."

A: "I'm singing about mean things. (sings twice as loudly as before) "SO I'LL BE REALLY MAD / AND I'LL BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE / AND I WON'T CARE AT ALL AS IT BURNS TO THE GROUND / HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING / GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING . . . "

A Fan is Born

Scene (bedtime, A, M & J are watching "Hello Dolly." The townsfolk of Yonkers have just finished a five minute long dance in a New York park.

A: "When's this going to end?"

M: "It never ends. Honey. We can watch it until something new starts."

(The townsfolk rush off to watch a parade, and Barbra Streisand begins to sing about the parade passing her by...)

M: "Quick, buddy. Press the space bar [to stop the video]."

A steps up to the iMac, but becomes enamored by Barbra, and pauses, like a hypnotized bird. J reaches over and presses the space bar, stopping the video.

A (face scrunched up and red, tears leaking from his eyes): "No!"

M: "It's OK, buddy, Barbra makes lots of people cry."

A begins to hit J (who is trying hard not to laugh too hard).

Howdy Maestro

I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that the favorite button on the child's keyboard I've loaned to A is the one that plays the Cowboy Phrase. The one with the gunshots.

And I wanted to give him a chance to learn about octaves and fifths...

How Would Pirates Sing It?

Instructions for making any piece of music a "Pirate Song."

1. Say "argh!" instead of "la" or any actual words. It is permissible to add phrases such as "we will make her walk the plank when she comes," or "we will all put on eye patches when she comes" or "the pirates on the bus say 'shiver me timbers' all over town."

2. At the end of the song, fire a cannon.