Little Boxes...

A (running outside, sees a stack of office chair boxes on the patio):  "Whoa!  What are all those 'Fragile' Boxes?"

J:  "I got those for you.  I figured you could make a labyrinth or a skyscraper out of them."

A:  (running to pile):  "I'm going to use those for target practice!"

J (putting hand to forehead):  "I was sort of hoping you might use them for Halloween props."

A (smacking one into wind chimes):  "I'm just going to use one..."

J:  "Oh-kay...."  (Thinks, "This is just like Minecraft, the creative game where they build....")

A:  "Whhaaaa!  DIE!"  (Runs and gets discarded salad spoon/hole digger.)  "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!

NOVA Pays Off..

Scene:  Post-NOVA watching, pre-teeth-brushing snack time.  The anthropologist has annoyed the United States mason by making the mason and a gang of Egyptian stone masons construct a small pyramid using only mud ramps and stick levers.

A (finishing his snack): What are you going to read to me tonight?

J (walking near the bookshelf): I don't know... (various inappropriate titles flash through his mind) maybe...

A:  "Butt-cracks of the Ancient Past!"

J: (turning and failing to keep a straight face) Um...

A:  (laughing too hard to use a serious-dramatic documentary voice) "Butt-cracks of the Ancient Past!"

J: (like a laughing Centurion from Life of Brian):  N-no.

Scene:  Morning in the home.  We're preparing for a performance.

J (singing):  "You'll be fine, you'll be great, -um- that shining star I talk about is . . . ah"
A:  "Fake!"
J: "Fake? (clutches heart)
M: "You're one smart cookie."

With Some Decorations Bought at Tiffany's!

Scene:  Monday morning, J is dressing for work in the bedroom. M (designated baby-sitter) and A (off from school) are looking at Christmas ornaments in boxes in the living room.  A reaches for a bright blue chain of glass beads.

M: "Now A, we don't wear Christmas ornaments."

J (snorting as he reaches for a shirt)

A:  "But J wore these last year!"

(J bursts out in laughter)

Army Romance

Scene:  The family is watching the final moments of Bye Bye Birdie

Dick Van Dyke (singing about Rosie).

A:  "Ugh. Romance, romance, romance."
M (leaning into J):  "Ah. Romance, romance, romance."
A: "Hey!"  Tries to lean into J and M.
M:  "Nope, oh no.  No romance for you.  We'll call L and S and we'll build a barricade between the adults and the kids" (a reference to Thanksgiving, where the kids built a barricade across the living room entrance).

The movie concludes.

A (mouth hanging open as Ann-Margret sings a final "Bye bye Birdie."):  "But... but... M, I thought you said that he goes into the Army."

J:  "He does."

M:  "Did you think you were going to see him fighting in the Army?"

A:  (stricken dumb as the realization that he's been tricked into watching Romance Romance Romance.  Nods head)

The Fire Temple

Scene:  The living room after school.  A has built a structure out of blocks.

A:  "J, J: do you want to see my Fire Temple?"

J (looks at the tower of blocks with a square curtain wall):  "Oh, what do they worship at the Fire Temple?"

A (gives J a sideways dog tilted look):  "They don't worship anything in the Fire Temple."

J:  "They don't worship fire?  What do they do in the Fire Temple?"

A:  "It's where all the Ninjas meet to plan their attacks."

J:  "Oh. Bud, that's called a dojo."

A:  "But J, It's a Fire. Temple."

J (channeling his Andrew Lloyd Webber):  "Aah Temple should be house of prayer."

A (Sighing, goes back to blocks).

Mother's Day Weekend Discussion

Scene: The Dinner Nook, Between-Cartoon Honey-Tea Time (to soothe sore throat).  We join A's anticipation of J's post-mortem estate (with M's pre-post-mortem medical expenses debunking) in progress ...

J:  "... oh no.  When I die, they'll put me in a glass coffin and --"

M: "Not 'they', A, you."

J: "Oh, right; You'll put my body on display in a glass coffin and then you'll attach the corners to a dirigible and parade it around through the streets.  And then a big wind will come up ... (J raises his head, hands and voice) and carry my body...  into... the sky..."

M:  "Until it lands in someone's back yard the next day."

A: "No. J! J!  When you die, first I'll take your body and I'll dip it in tar..."

J:  !!!

A: "... and I'll tie it up with ropes to keep it from falling apart, and I'll hang it by the river..."

M (not-so-secretly laughing behind The Child's back)

A:  "and then afterwards, I'll put it into a small coffin --"

M:  "A small coffin."

A:  "... and I'll throw it into the ocean.  And I'll let the fish come and take little nibbles from it.  And they'll live in your mouth."

J (leaning in over the table and speaking in a low, intent voice):  "Full fathom five thy father lies / of his bones are corals made / (increasing the volume) those are pearls, that were his eyes. /  Nothing of him doth remain / but that suffers a sea change / into something rich and strange!"

A (by this time retreating and putting his hands over his ears):  "Why are you being weird?"

J:  "You just told me you were going to put my body into a small coffin and let fish nibble my body and live in my mouth -- "

A:  "And your eyes (sticks fingers into his nose).  And your -- "

J:  "Of course I'm going to quote Shakespeare at you!"

A:  "J! J!  And your nose!"

M (from another room):  "Wile E Coyote Time!"

Oh De Lally

Scene: The dining nook. M, J and A are eating dinner.

A: "What does 'oh de lally' mean?"

J: "It's a marketing trick the makers of 'Robin Hood' used. They knew if kids started saying 'oh de lally' then the movie was successful and they could congratulate themselves on invading the American lexicon."

M: "Oh; you are grumpy today."

---

In other news: three weeks ago A ate a pencil tip. It was the pointy end, not the eraser end; so the medical profession was fairly calm about the whole thing, saying that it was the equivalent of eating a stick. It was probably in him three days, tops.

A week before that, A managed to scratch his cornea slightly (it was so slight the doctor had to use glowing dye and a scope to find it). A and J had a lot of fun playing with the black light while the doctor was out of the examining room.  The antibiotic creme we had to put in three times a day stung a little, so there probably wont be a repeat of the choices that lead to the scratch in the first place.


And the Jog-A-Thon was a success. A ran 15 laps and raised money for his school. Unfortunately, between four adults (Grandma J and Grandpa H visited) there were no working cameras. A ran steadily through the entire event, and only looked a little embarrassed and resigned when we yelled, "Go A!"

Be Careful What You Wish For

Scene: The Enchanted Forest. Cloudy, with a 60% chance of showers and a high of 50F. Tinkly synthesizer harp arpeggios and florid electronic trumpet chords.

A (in rush mode; runs past damp concrete sculpted towers and up to The Challenge of Mordor Mondor): "J! J! Let's go on this ride!"

J (thinking a cart-driven ride through dark rooms to shoot animatronic goblins is not his first choice for entertainment rides): "Um, I dunno; have you been on this ride before?"

A (waving a ride bracelet in front of an attendant grateful to have something to do): "Sure."

J: "Are you sure?"

A: "Yeah."

J (digging out some tickets and running age appropriateness models against his memory of the ride): "Oh... kay..."

(They sit down in an armed electric cart while the attendant goes through her shpiel. The cart rolls away.)

Attendant: "Remember, the monsters are wearing blue medallions! Be sure to aim for those!

A (thinking): Monsters. Monsters. Monsters.

Animatronic Gandalf Wizard (while synthesizer music from Ye Olde Time tinkles and crashes around us): "Today, we write a manifesto. Today, our second sentence starts with the first word of our first sentence...."

J (paraphrasing): "So we're supposed to save the gnomes from the evil monsters. Get ready to shoot."

A (thinking): Monsters. Monsters. Monsters.

(The cart rolls into a dark room, lit only by blue LEDs. J and A begin to shoot. Their guns, attached to the cart by cables, make "thooop" sounds as if they were firing a bow; occasionally, they make a "thauk" sounds, indicating a target hit)

J (thinking): Man, (zaps a shadow) the sites on these guns (zaps a skull) are difficult to use (zaps a Really Big Spider). [editor's note, extra thooops left out for brevity.]

A: "What's that?!" (translation, to which J is completely oblivious: 'Augh!! A GIANT SPIDER MONSTER!!')

J (in "Commando-Dad" Mode): "It's a goblin [thooop - thauk!] Shoot it."

A: (shooting a few shadows and thinking): Monsters. Monsters. Monsters.

(Ye Olde Electronic Danger Music warns of Impending Doom. Electric cart rolls into the Dark Lord's Throne Room.)

J (admiring the flickering stage torches, and in the pause notices, 1: The Kid is really quiet. 2: And Still. Turns to A, who is pressed up against the cart seat cushion, gun held limply and eyes wide as saucers.): "Shoot, bud; shoot!"

Animatronic Dark Lord: "How dare you enter! Guards! Seize them!"

A (raising arm mechanically, shooting, and thinking): Monsters. Monsters. Monsters.

J: "Oh, look; it's a dragon." (pause) "Shoot, bud; shoot!"


Um, yes; we enjoyed the Enchanted Forest very much, especially the log flume ride at the end. And, yes: someone did sleep with all the lights on, and woke up at 4 AM determined to work on Brickbeard's Bounty until the blessed sun rose.

Oh, Barracuda!

Scene: The Living Room. We enter a discussion of the proper use of harpoons already in progress...

M: "...You can study live fish... Once I went scuba diving and I went down and looked at the fish and they looked back at me. And I saw a barracuda."

J: "I thought barracuda were mean."

M: "Oh, I was looking at the barracuda and it was looking at me (makes mean calculating face) and it was thinking, 'If you were a little smaller....'

J: (Plays air-guitar and sings a riff) "Ooooh, Won't you, barracuda!" (Continues a one-man air-band show)

A: "Ugh. (rolls eyes) You're being silly."

J: "No; it's a song by Heart. I'm having fun." (exits to bedroom)

A: (From living room) "There's no such thing as a heart song about barracudas."

M: (Bringing A into bedroom) "A, you're being rude to J, because there really is a song." (Fires up computer) "And this sort of thing is what the internet is good for." (Goes to YouTube)



M: (As a caption comes on and reads "Heart / Barracuda") "So A, I want you to turn to J and say, 'I'm sorry. You were right, J. I learned something today.'"

A: (grunts) "This music is too loud."

Holiday Avarice

Scene: Pre-Bed Time, Pre-Shopping Season Catalog Frenzy.

A (from the couch, a catalog in lap): (squeals) "Awesome! I'll have that!" (writes an A next to Haunted Thomas's Laser Crook Lock-Up.)

M (muttering to J in another room): "Don't make me angry with Santa."

A (autographing more war toys): "Awesome!"

J: "A, you remember how Jack Skellington didn't get quite understand what Christmas was about...?"

Fashion Lessons

Scene: Saturday Morning. M has found some blankets in the loft and has laundered them. J, folding the blankets has found "The Cow Robe", a sheet of polar fleece with a cow print on it, slit up the middle to make into a kind of poncho.

A (emerges from his room after retreating from the vacuum cleaner, stops, looks at J, turns head sideways): "Why are you wearing that?"

J (sitting down and beckoning A closer; clasps his hands): "Oh. A, there are going to be several times during your life when you come out of your room, I'm going to be wearing something, and you're going to ask, 'Why are you wearing that?'"

A (nodding dubiously): "Uh huh."

J: "And my answer is going to almost always be, 'Because it's fun.'"

M (at the kitchen sink): "And what exactly do you mean by 'fun'?"

Great Moments In Sunday

Scene: Aunt J's house. M & A are home resting and fighting off illness while J is visiting out of town. Grandpa H has just finished his rendition of non-traditional version "Jingle Bells"

J (anticipating hearing (ahem) "Jingle Bells" in excess of a million times): "*Please* don't sing that in front of A."

Grandpa H (grinning evilly): "How much is it worth to ya?"


Later, back at home.... M & A are negotiating an evening of games.

M: "...I'm not going to play violent card games. (Walks away) If you want to play Slap-Jack, you can play it by yourself."

A (lays out a line of cards): (SLAP!) "Ha! I got it! (SLAP!) I win! (SLAP) Mine!..."

Do You Believe in Magic ?

Scene: post-breakfast living room. A, who has checked out a few books on magic tricks, is standing at the coffee table.

A places two pennies, a dime, and a plastic piece-of-eight into a paper. Folds paper (after asking nicely for some after being admonished that playing cards mustn't be folded). Dances over it, waving hands in the air. "Ala-ka-dabrica Go away! Go away! Snick, snack, snorum!" Flings paper into the air. The observer is unsure about the trajectory of the coinage. "TaAaAa-DaAaAh!!"

Probably the most entertaining moment is when A watched J palm a coin and then still believed that J had made it magically appear ten seconds later.

80's Music

Scene: A and M are going on an errand. J is listening to Corey Lee sing, "I Will Be the Flame."

M (suddenly reversing course from the front door to the garage): "Oh! I need to get a bag."

A (running to the front door and opening it): "OK! See you at the store!"

J (stepping away from the computer): "No, A; wait for M."

A: "I'm opening the door."

J: "No. Wait; here - dance with me. See; step, step; shoulder, shoulder, roll your shoulder."

M: "Augh! No, you can't teach him that dance!"

A: "Too Late!" (demonstrates a four-year-old version of raised-arm shoulder rolls).

M: "Be sure you tell folks your dad, who likes 80's Music, taught you that dance."

(Scene where J's musical taste is insulted deleted.)

J (thinking to himself): "Gee, I mean, really, The Backyardigans already taught him most of that dance...."

The Circle of Algebra...

Scene: Dinner at Grandma and Grandpa's.

A (poking at his hamburger): "J, I don't want to go to school."

J (a little surprised): "Why not?"

A (mater-of-factly): "I already know everything."

G.J. (laying a trap with the stealth of a lioness on the Serengeti): "Oh, do you know how to do algebra?"

A (like a springbok caught in headlights): "What's algebra?"

G.J (pouncing): "Ah-ha!"

G.H (pointing): "See! See!"

(A nearly launches from his chair in surprise)

J (laughing): "They got you, bud...."

Please Don't Let Me Be One of Those Parents...

Scene: The park. A is running of with H to a far corner from the sandbox area, where the parents are.

J (yelling across the park): "A, come back; we want you to stay near us."

A (yelling back): "No. H says I have to go around the pool."

J (realizing he's yelling across the park): "H is not your father. Let's not yell this discussion across the park."

A: "Let's!" (turns to run after H...)

Bathtime with William Blake

Scene A is taking a Very Long Bath while J reads "The Collected Works of William Blake" to him. Having dispensed with "The Tyger," "The Poison Tree," and what Mr. Blake was talking about when he "had a pretty little rose tree," we are moving forward to other poems.

A (while filling a plastic duck with water): "J, find one that's really weird."

J (flipping around the book): "Okay..." (looking for something that's only about twenty-four lines long...) "Oh. Here. -- Wow, buddy, this one was written in 1808, it's over two hundred years old. (Straightens up on the toilet).

TO THE QUEEN

The Door of Death is made of Gold, / That Mortal --"

A: "J! J! Does that mean that it's made of gold and when you touch it, you die?!"

J (smiling slightly at the Aladdin reference): "No, I don't think that's what it means, let's see what the rest of the poem says..."


The scene continues, concluding with a faux-British accent rendition of "And did those feet in ancient times / Walk upon England's mountains green..."
. . .

A: "J, is William Blake a little over the top?"

J: "Well... yeah."

Firework Rewards

Scene: early evening. A has been relatively good all afternoon, so M has promised to bring out the fireworks. Strangely enough, the conversation had been a review of when and when not to call 911.

(M goes into the garage and returns with explosives.)

A (to the house in general): "Fireworks fill my heart with joy!"

(J & M smile.)

A: "J! J! If I had a cannon ..."

J (to M): "If I had a cannon..."

M (singing): "If I had a cannon..."

J (also singing): "I'd fire it in the mor-or-or-nig / I'd fire it in the evening / all over this land / I'd fire out justice! -"

A: "J!"

J: "- I'd fire out freedom! -"

A: "J! J! You're being too loud!"

M and A head out the front door.

M: "J, would you get the salad tongs so I can pick up the used fireworks?"

J gets the salad tongs from the kitchen and steps out onto the front porch.

J: "I'll stand here so I can call 911."

M: "That's what cell phones are for. A, do you want the Butterflies, or the spinning Wheel of Death?"

A: "Spinning Wheel of Death!"

¡Hola, Yo Soy un Fugative!

Scene: The kitchen lunchtime table. J is explaining the U.S. legal system.

J: "... so that's the difference between an infraction, a misdemeanor, and a felony."

A: "How long would they put you in jail?"

J: "Well, okay... let's say that you were playing with caltrops on the sidewalk, and you left them there to go in, and K (our neighbor) walked on them. We'd go to court before the judge, and the judge would give us a sentence -- "

A: "But what if we really really had to go to the bathroom bady, and that's why we left them there."

J: "The judge might take that into account and only fine us $20 to pay for K's tetanus shot. We might get a more lenient sentence if we put up a sign on the sidewalk that said, "Danger Caltrops" and K didn't read the sign.

A: "So what if we do it again?"

J: "Oh! Well, if we're repeat offenders, then the judge would give us a more stringent sentence."

A: "I don't want the judge to be stern with us."

J: "Well, the best way is to not do anything wrong."

A: "I don't want the judge to give us a sentence; so I'd build a trap door and send the judge down it."

J: "Oh! Buddy, I'm pretty sure tampering with judges is a federal felony. They'd just send another judge."

A: "I'd send that one down the trapdoor, too; I just want you, me and M in the courtroom."

J: "A, we'd have to run to the Mexican border ...."