Happy Holidays 2011

With Some Decorations Bought at Tiffany's!

Scene:  Monday morning, J is dressing for work in the bedroom. M (designated baby-sitter) and A (off from school) are looking at Christmas ornaments in boxes in the living room.  A reaches for a bright blue chain of glass beads.

M: "Now A, we don't wear Christmas ornaments."

J (snorting as he reaches for a shirt)

A:  "But J wore these last year!"

(J bursts out in laughter)

Army Romance

Scene:  The family is watching the final moments of Bye Bye Birdie

Dick Van Dyke (singing about Rosie).

A:  "Ugh. Romance, romance, romance."
M (leaning into J):  "Ah. Romance, romance, romance."
A: "Hey!"  Tries to lean into J and M.
M:  "Nope, oh no.  No romance for you.  We'll call L and S and we'll build a barricade between the adults and the kids" (a reference to Thanksgiving, where the kids built a barricade across the living room entrance).

The movie concludes.

A (mouth hanging open as Ann-Margret sings a final "Bye bye Birdie."):  "But... but... M, I thought you said that he goes into the Army."

J:  "He does."

M:  "Did you think you were going to see him fighting in the Army?"

A:  (stricken dumb as the realization that he's been tricked into watching Romance Romance Romance.  Nods head)

Selecting the Holiday Tree

Kidzilla

School Play Fox Outfit

More school play.

Bats

School play. Small place.

Inserting the Tree

Yesterday we got a tree.



Today we put it in the stand. We'll decorate it in about a week.

Soundtrack of Angst

Scene: A foggy morning just before school. The frigid air is not quite cold enough to transform the dew to ice. A has left the car and is meandering toward the gated steps that lead down to the school. A pack is over one shoulder, a car seat is over the other.

J (wondering to himself as A stops): What's he looking at?

Car radio: A strong cello chord from Vaughan Williams' Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis A continues to sidle back and forth, slowly making his way across the grey landscape to the opening in the cold chain link fence.

J (suddenly struck with an urge to leap out of the car, run to A, wrap him up, and lead him to the classroom): Oh my God. (A continues to trudge to the steps, weighted down with pack and chair, while stark cello chords reverberate inside the car). How will he make his way? Who will guide him? How can I send him out into the current of life? I can only be like a lighthouse that shines from a short that grows more distant and... damn you Ralph Vaughan Williams and Mother Nature for tweaking with my hormones!

(A has made the top of the steps. J navigates the traffic of other parents dropping off their children)

J (thinking he should turn off the radio): I used to think this music was profound and now I can never listen to it again without having an ABBA Slipping Through My Fingers moment.

Making Cookies

The Fire Temple

Scene:  The living room after school.  A has built a structure out of blocks.

A:  "J, J: do you want to see my Fire Temple?"

J (looks at the tower of blocks with a square curtain wall):  "Oh, what do they worship at the Fire Temple?"

A (gives J a sideways dog tilted look):  "They don't worship anything in the Fire Temple."

J:  "They don't worship fire?  What do they do in the Fire Temple?"

A:  "It's where all the Ninjas meet to plan their attacks."

J:  "Oh. Bud, that's called a dojo."

A:  "But J, It's a Fire. Temple."

J (channeling his Andrew Lloyd Webber):  "Aah Temple should be house of prayer."

A (Sighing, goes back to blocks).

Oh The Horror !

Scene: The Living Room. We join a discussion about first-grade romance in progress.

A: "...Well, I don't really want to marry her. I just sort of want her to be my girlfriend. You know, sort of half-girl, half-friend."

The Ancient West....

A decided that he wanted to go as a lawman from the Wild West.








Then he decided that he wanted to put an ancient world twist onto the costume idea.








And went as a Cowboy Mummy.

Finished Jack-o-Lantern

Carving a Pumpkin

M decided that A could carve a pumpkin tonight.

We're toasting pumpkin seeds even now...

Gearing up for Halloween

I came home from work and found A had given himself a nap with his new favorite decoration.

Help!

My Dad Thinks He's in a Ballet Class!

More Playground

Watching a soccer game.

Playground Photo

Boat Building

Sept 2011 Harvest

We went to visit Grandma J and Grandpa H at their house.







They asked us to help them harvest fruit.








Grandma had baskets.








Grandpa had tea.








We picked a lot of apples. And grapes








The dog helped. She thought the apples made good balls.








M discovered the Single Miracle Kiwi.








Then we had to cut the apples.








And peel them.








And boild and smoosh them. And somewhere along the line a Little Too Much Cinnemon was added.








Grandma did a lot of cutting.







And peeling.








Luckily, there was one of those mechanical peelers.








There was some talk of adding grapes to the sauce, but I don't think we did.








Then A wanted to play Battleship.



 But all Grandpa could find was the old Sub Search game.






We had to download the rules, as J couldn't remember them all after thirty-something years.








Obligatory tired dog picture.

A New Generation....

Scene: outside. J has emerged from the house with a cup of tea. A is prancing in the yard with a large squirt gun.

J (noticing A's stockinged feet): "Bud, put on some shoes. Where are your shoes?"

A: "My shoes are wet." (Prances over grass and pavement while waving gun.)

J: (thinking, 'And how did they get wet?'): "A, you're going to wear out your socks that running around outside with no shoes."

A: "Okay..." (Puts on cowboy boots)

J: (thinking, 'I'm sure that somewhere there are at least three ladies over 60 who are enjoying this....')

Two Knights Practicing

A won a blue ribbon at the fair for his painting.

He seemed surprised.  

Missle Crisis?

J (Entering the backyard from shopping. Sees A): "Hi A; whatcha doin'?"

A: (animatedly waving a shoe around): "I'm making an effigy of George Bush!"

J: (recalling the morning's discussion of a certain foreign reporter...): "Ummmmmm...."

A: (Running off) "M said it was OK."

J: (continuing into the house and the kitchen) "Honey, our child is throwing shoes at an effigy of George Bush."

M: (looking up from salad) "Well, he went into his room to clean it before videos. But then I heard these bumping noises from his room and he said, 'I'm throwing shoes!' I made a mistake earlier when I told him about that reporter. But he was throwing cabbages at William Howard Taft first...."

I guess this is the sort of thing we can expect after reading "So You Want to be President" to A.

Solstice T-Ball

A has been playing T-ball.







He bats well. And he likes being a baseman instead of an outfielder.






We want a pitcher, not a belly-itcher.

Post 2011 Birthday Report

We made a giant Seal of the President of the United States so we could play Pin the Eagle on the Seal.

The guests colored their own eagles. There were lots of variations; the most memorable eagle was bright green and the most memorable shield had a pirate skull and crossbones on it.


We made a poster of Mount Rushmore. Originally, it was going to be mounted onto a cardboard box so kids could stick their heads through and have photo opportunities. It sort of didn't happen that way.

 President Lincoln didn't come out well, and we were at the eleventh hour on this project.

And then there was the cake.  The 2007 cake was a train.  The 2008 cake was a pirate ship.  The 2009 cake was chocolate cupcakes and a chocolate anvil cake as the Sword in the Stone.  Last year's Monopoly Extravaganza featured a catered ice-cream cake.


 

J had told A that he would make a White House cake.  This required carefully measuring out the ratios in the actual building and taking a tape measure to the store to get the right marshmallows.  And trimming out round parts with saucepans. 


 

The pillars were marshmallows on toothpicks. The collumns were the most coveted part of the cake during the party.... because... well, J got a little carried away with late-night baking and there was probably a timer-set problem and not all of the cake went in at the same time and... so... some of the cake was a little over-done.


The pound cake held together fairly well.   Thank goodness for toothpicks.

And then there was the icing.  It was an orange sugar-icing.  It should have been a butter icing.  It made the cake resemble the Casa Rosada more than the White House.   No pictures to protect the guilty.


Grandpa was a Very Good Sport, rented a costume, and came as George Washington.

Grandma came as herself.

J dressed as a Secret Service Man and "scanned" the guests as they arrived with his camera.

The guests came as presidents, with two pirate exceptions.





M shaved his moustache, kept his beard, and was the best dressed Abraham Lincoln there (and there was some pretty fierce competition).

In addition to pin the Eagle on the Seal, we played Pirates and Presidents (a variation of Cranes and Crows), and Elections (they had to pop balloons for the electoral votes inside).  The games went fast, so we added on a few rounds of Dragon's Tail (form a conga line, the front has to grab a hanky out of the tail's back pocket).




"Uh, what did that recipe say again?"

Field Day at School

Guess who was waiting at school after today's field day?

Words of Dread

Scene: The house. J is running around doing pre-dinner house cleaning. A is doing the post-Library hand washing.

A (from the bathroom): "J! J! Come look! I made a fountain!"

J (rushing toward bathroom): "A, 'I made a fountain' are four words a child can utter that will fill a parent's heart with dread."

The Sword in the Azalea

"A story is sung, when azaleas were young / and knights were brave and bold ... "

Now It's a Gun Range / But Not for Lola

Scene: Early morning. J is taking his ablutions ...

J (from behind shower curtain):  "... but Rico went a bit too far / Tony sailed across the bar / and then the punches flew / and chairs were smashed in two / there was blood and a single gunshot / but just --"

A (from another room, and whose face has probably lit up):  "J! There were gunshots?!  Did they have crossbows?"

Mother's Day Weekend Discussion

Scene: The Dinner Nook, Between-Cartoon Honey-Tea Time (to soothe sore throat).  We join A's anticipation of J's post-mortem estate (with M's pre-post-mortem medical expenses debunking) in progress ...

J:  "... oh no.  When I die, they'll put me in a glass coffin and --"

M: "Not 'they', A, you."

J: "Oh, right; You'll put my body on display in a glass coffin and then you'll attach the corners to a dirigible and parade it around through the streets.  And then a big wind will come up ... (J raises his head, hands and voice) and carry my body...  into... the sky..."

M:  "Until it lands in someone's back yard the next day."

A: "No. J! J!  When you die, first I'll take your body and I'll dip it in tar..."

J:  !!!

A: "... and I'll tie it up with ropes to keep it from falling apart, and I'll hang it by the river..."

M (not-so-secretly laughing behind The Child's back)

A:  "and then afterwards, I'll put it into a small coffin --"

M:  "A small coffin."

A:  "... and I'll throw it into the ocean.  And I'll let the fish come and take little nibbles from it.  And they'll live in your mouth."

J (leaning in over the table and speaking in a low, intent voice):  "Full fathom five thy father lies / of his bones are corals made / (increasing the volume) those are pearls, that were his eyes. /  Nothing of him doth remain / but that suffers a sea change / into something rich and strange!"

A (by this time retreating and putting his hands over his ears):  "Why are you being weird?"

J:  "You just told me you were going to put my body into a small coffin and let fish nibble my body and live in my mouth -- "

A:  "And your eyes (sticks fingers into his nose).  And your -- "

J:  "Of course I'm going to quote Shakespeare at you!"

A:  "J! J!  And your nose!"

M (from another room):  "Wile E Coyote Time!"

Sight Words

A's kindergarten teachers send home lists of "sight words" for the children to learn. I blame the French for sight words, since they usually have "gh" or "au" or "kn" in them. Since A already knew the words

• who
• what
• where
• why
• how

we made up the following list:

• sweet
• loving
• kind
• respectful
• peaceful
• calm
• healing
• what
• obedient
• flypaper

But he could read all of those, too.

So the next night, M made a harder list. A only got the following words:

• compost
• sneeze
• cough
• forgotten
• supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

We think he would have gotten "tombstone," but he was tired.

[Update: this morning, A re-discovered the Gettysburg Address. Which he read to me. Then he asked for some paper. "I'm going to copy it down and read it to my class!" So far "that from these honored" is as far as he's gotten....]

Oh De Lally

Scene: The dining nook. M, J and A are eating dinner.

A: "What does 'oh de lally' mean?"

J: "It's a marketing trick the makers of 'Robin Hood' used. They knew if kids started saying 'oh de lally' then the movie was successful and they could congratulate themselves on invading the American lexicon."

M: "Oh; you are grumpy today."

---

In other news: three weeks ago A ate a pencil tip. It was the pointy end, not the eraser end; so the medical profession was fairly calm about the whole thing, saying that it was the equivalent of eating a stick. It was probably in him three days, tops.

A week before that, A managed to scratch his cornea slightly (it was so slight the doctor had to use glowing dye and a scope to find it). A and J had a lot of fun playing with the black light while the doctor was out of the examining room.  The antibiotic creme we had to put in three times a day stung a little, so there probably wont be a repeat of the choices that lead to the scratch in the first place.


And the Jog-A-Thon was a success. A ran 15 laps and raised money for his school. Unfortunately, between four adults (Grandma J and Grandpa H visited) there were no working cameras. A ran steadily through the entire event, and only looked a little embarrassed and resigned when we yelled, "Go A!"

Jogathon 2011 Form

There Are Some Things Dad Is Not Meant to Know....

Scene: After-school pick-up.

A (walking with J toward car): "J, I want a science lab in my room."

J (imagining gyroscopes, air tracks, and other Newtonian devices): "Oh, what kind of science do you want to study?"

A: "Evil Science!"

J (slowly): "Oh. Um, what exactly do you want to do in this lab?"

A: "Well, you see, I want to grow Evil Dragons that will Obey My Every Command."

J: (Wondering if someone has been sneaking a copy of Dragonsdawn out of the library) "Ah; you want to study biology, then."

Be Careful What You Wish For

Scene: The Enchanted Forest. Cloudy, with a 60% chance of showers and a high of 50F. Tinkly synthesizer harp arpeggios and florid electronic trumpet chords.

A (in rush mode; runs past damp concrete sculpted towers and up to The Challenge of Mordor Mondor): "J! J! Let's go on this ride!"

J (thinking a cart-driven ride through dark rooms to shoot animatronic goblins is not his first choice for entertainment rides): "Um, I dunno; have you been on this ride before?"

A (waving a ride bracelet in front of an attendant grateful to have something to do): "Sure."

J: "Are you sure?"

A: "Yeah."

J (digging out some tickets and running age appropriateness models against his memory of the ride): "Oh... kay..."

(They sit down in an armed electric cart while the attendant goes through her shpiel. The cart rolls away.)

Attendant: "Remember, the monsters are wearing blue medallions! Be sure to aim for those!

A (thinking): Monsters. Monsters. Monsters.

Animatronic Gandalf Wizard (while synthesizer music from Ye Olde Time tinkles and crashes around us): "Today, we write a manifesto. Today, our second sentence starts with the first word of our first sentence...."

J (paraphrasing): "So we're supposed to save the gnomes from the evil monsters. Get ready to shoot."

A (thinking): Monsters. Monsters. Monsters.

(The cart rolls into a dark room, lit only by blue LEDs. J and A begin to shoot. Their guns, attached to the cart by cables, make "thooop" sounds as if they were firing a bow; occasionally, they make a "thauk" sounds, indicating a target hit)

J (thinking): Man, (zaps a shadow) the sites on these guns (zaps a skull) are difficult to use (zaps a Really Big Spider). [editor's note, extra thooops left out for brevity.]

A: "What's that?!" (translation, to which J is completely oblivious: 'Augh!! A GIANT SPIDER MONSTER!!')

J (in "Commando-Dad" Mode): "It's a goblin [thooop - thauk!] Shoot it."

A: (shooting a few shadows and thinking): Monsters. Monsters. Monsters.

(Ye Olde Electronic Danger Music warns of Impending Doom. Electric cart rolls into the Dark Lord's Throne Room.)

J (admiring the flickering stage torches, and in the pause notices, 1: The Kid is really quiet. 2: And Still. Turns to A, who is pressed up against the cart seat cushion, gun held limply and eyes wide as saucers.): "Shoot, bud; shoot!"

Animatronic Dark Lord: "How dare you enter! Guards! Seize them!"

A (raising arm mechanically, shooting, and thinking): Monsters. Monsters. Monsters.

J: "Oh, look; it's a dragon." (pause) "Shoot, bud; shoot!"


Um, yes; we enjoyed the Enchanted Forest very much, especially the log flume ride at the end. And, yes: someone did sleep with all the lights on, and woke up at 4 AM determined to work on Brickbeard's Bounty until the blessed sun rose.

Water Bottle Rockets!

It's Spring Break.








One of the things on our Spring Break To Do List was Fire Water Bottle Rockets!






So we got a used soda bottle, a bicycle pump, a ball inflation insert, and a cork.














We filled the bottle with water.














And pumped in air. The bottles flew up higher than the telephone poles.

Nobody got wet. Much.

Thank You

A saved and saved and saved. Birthday money, Christmas money, taking out the stinky compost money. Finally, he had enough to buy Brickbeard's Bounty.

And Lego stopped making it. Toystores acrosss the countryside told us the same thing, "Sorry; we don't have any Brickbeard in stock." Not even the Lego Website could help us.

Luckily, V came to our rescue, and located something like the last out of four boxes in the nation.

THANK YOU V!